Hello darlings. ♥

I have returned. My holiday was alright, that's all I'll say. There wasn't much to do and it was too hot for my liking, so I didn't exactly love it. But it was nice to get away for a while. I'll probably upload pics eventually if I ever figure out how to connect my digital camera to the computer.

I'm very glad to be home. *gives everyone massive hugs*

PS: The internet has been like totally dead since I get back. Not many of my regular girls from FF and the like have been on at all. *pouty face* Downside of summer - people actually have a life lol.

[diagnosis| peaceful]
[rocking out to|The Special Two - Missy Higgins]

I thought I was beyond being scared, I'd lived through a war, and all that came with it. Years later I found myself kidnapped by the Mai Mai in the Congo, forced to watch as one by one those around me lost their lives while mine was repeatedly spared. I was taken hostage at gunpoint by a crazed patient after he had terrorized my wife and young son. For hours I endured physical and emotional abuse at his hands, with the threat of death a constant thought until that moment when he took his own life instead of mine.

Of all of those instances and the people involved however, I can honestly say that none scared me worse then my own infant son, and I know, it's not the same type of a fear, but it's fear nonetheless. I look back now on those first months of his life, all those days that I watched him struggle to do nothing more than breathe. I don't know that I have ever known a fear as great as what I experienced during that time, but, it was more then just fear, it was the helplessness. I'm a doctor, I'm supposed to save lives, and all I could do was stand there and pray that those into whose hands I had entrusted his care, could keep him alive.

I remember standing there in the NICU, listening to the sound of the vents, and all of the other noises in that small room that come together to create a symphony of life and hope. I remember wishing I could do something for him as he lay there, swallowed up by all of the tubes and wires. I remember thinking how tiny he looked laying there, how he didn't deserve to go through all he was going through, and as much as I wanted him to live, I didn't want him to be in pain. I remember thinking about how hard I had fought to save Jasna's life only to fail, and here I was doing nothing for Joe, and I very likely was going to lose him as well. Then I remember hating myself for allowing doubts of his survival to even enter my thoughts.

In the end though all I really could do was pray. I begged God to let me keep my little boy, after all, I'd already given him two children, wasn't that enough? I don't think I've ever been as scared of anyone or anything as I was in those early weeks of Joe's life. Making it through his surgery, and then watching him grow strong enough to one by one lose the various tubes and wires that had been his lifelines in those early weeks. It took longer for the fear to leave, and I hope I never again have to experience anything like it.

We were lucky, Joe is a happy, active, normal two year old now, and I thank God for every day I have with him. I know too, that as lucky as we were, many other parents were not. Not a day goes by now that I don't look at him and count our blessings, he truly is our gift from God.

Muse: Luka Kovac
Fandom: ER
Words: 554

I don´t know what to think....I was looking for some old pictures,I like to do that sometimes,and I came across something I rather forget.There was a small bag with something on it,letters written to my dad but not by my mother.Her name was/is Maria Cecilia and the letter are dated 1985-1987...I was two years old back then.
She wrote how much she loved him,how much she wanted to be with him and how she knew he loved her back.They spent a weekend together at the beach and she dropped him at the bus station,where I guess he was taking the bus back "home".

I always knew my dad was cheating on my mom,I mean that was the reason why they broke apart.But it hurts me to find out my aunt knew about it.She,my aunt,wrote a letter to my dad trying to convince him to get divorcerd from my mom.She called her "your stupid wife" and said she only wanted to take money from him...I was two years old.Only two...

I don´t understand,my mom is a good woman.She doesn´t deserve this...not from a stupid bastar like him

I hate him.

I hate him so much

I wish I could say that I always approach problems with a rational mind and a cool head, or that I'm willing to sit down and talk about things that are bothering me, unfortunately I don't, and I'm not.

I hate to admit to having a violent temper but, the truth is, under certain circumstances I can't deny it. There are only a few things that really set me off, and on one occasion I became so out of control that I killed a man with my bare hands. I suppose I should clarify that by saying that the man was a mugger and he had struck me with a pipe first, and when I came to he was attacking my wife, though she wasn't my wife at the time. I lost it. There's no other way to put it, I remember pulling him off her, then I struck him, once he was on the ground I repeatedly slammed his head into the pavement until Abby stopped me. He was still alive when the ambulance arrived, but, the damage was done, his skull had been shattered, and he died in the ER. The police told me that I was justified in my actions and I was acting in self defense so no charges were filed, but, I still can't forgive myself. Each time I've found myself lashing out at someone it's because I've felt that they've threatened my family or friends. I've never talked to anyone about this, but, I'm sure it has something to do with the helplessness I felt when I lost my family and my need now to protect those close to me.

I'm not really sure why I don't talk about the problems in my life, I do know that my silence is one of the things that ended the relationship I had with Sam. I guess I've always felt it was easier to just go along with whatever my partner said, and then later I used my silence as a way of not talking about my past. I don't know, I think I just decided that in most cases I didn't really see a reason to fight over things and by remaining silent I could avoid doing that.

Now that Joe is here I realize that I have to change how I deal with things, he's going to see what I do and one day he may well follow in my footsteps. This isn't going to be easy for me, I've had close to 40 years to become the way I am, but, for my son I have to change. I want him to be able to talk about his feelings, but more importantly, I never want him to know what it's like to take someone's life because he's lost control.

Muse: Luka Kovac
Fandom: ER
Words: 451

ON SCI FI!!!

They must be re-airing series on Thursdays!!! wooohhooo!

I so love season two with Sean Astin!!

Teasers:

( Do you still believe in fairy tales? )

Account Structure Update
Back by popular demand, Basic Accounts will be available to all users again by the end of the (northern hemisphere) summer. More information on the decision-making process and proposals relating to the future of Basic Accounts are in lj_2008.

New Themes
Two attractive and all-new Flexible Squares themes, "Circular" and "Circular Brown" are now available.


L to R: Circular and Brown

New V-Gifts
Give someone you care about the gift of enticement. With the new Chocolate Ice Cream, Vanilla Ice Cream, Tea, Coffee, Curry and Sushi v-gifts, all the significant people in your life will be able to share in the longing for the tasty edibles below. Plus, it reminds loved ones you think they're really sweet, really savory or just plain satisfying.


L to R: Chocolate Ice Cream, Vanilla Ice Cream, Tea, Coffee, Curry and Sushi

Ж-Men...but not the ones you might expect!
This week LJ Russia launched Ж-Men, a new comedy series about superheroes, inspired by the LJ communities dedicated to superheros, comics and cartoons. The title's "Ж" comes from ЖЖ, the nickname for LiveJournal in Russia.

Ж-Men's script is written by a group of LJ enthusiasts who also happen to be television professionals. Who knew? Following the premiere, five more episodes will be broadcast over the next two weeks. We hope you find the series fresh and enjoyable.

This is, of course, an experiment for LiveJournal. As always, we'd love to hear what you think!

[20] ER | 14.14 - Owner Of a Broken Heart ( Luka & Abby )
[16] Greys Anatomy | 4.16/4.17 - Freedon (Alex & Izzie)
[09] Gossip Girl | Blake & Penn

TEASER:


rest here @  justnanda

[20] ER | 14.14 - Owner Of a Broken Heart ( Luka & Abby )
[16] Greys Anatomy | 4.16/4.17 - Freedon (Alex & Izzie)
[09] Gossip Girl | Blake & Penn

TEASER:


rest here @ justnanda

He should have sensed something was wrong sooner, should have heard it in her voice during the phone calls when they had been separated the first time. This was supposed to be their chance to strengthen things between them, a chance for him to show her the world he had come from. Instead he was left wondering if he even had a marriage to strengthen, and of all the things that might have happened, he had never expected anything like this. Sure, he could have missed the signs of her drinking, how hard would it have been for her to conceal the effects during their phonecalls? Or even regulate when and how much she was drinking so that it didn't interfere with the calls at all. Yes, he had the excuse that he had been distracted during most of their conversations. As much as he missed her and Joe, it still didn't change the reason for his being there. His father was ill, as far as he knew she and Joe were perfectly healthy except for Joe's fall, he had every right to be more concerned about what was happening with his father. Never in a million years would he have thought Abby capable of anything worse then that, but, she was, and she had. Even as he scooped Joe up, Luka knew he should stay and talk to Abby, but, the stronger urge was to put as much distance between him and her as he could, and it was that one which prevailed.

As he buckled Joe into his carseat, he could hear the sound of Niko's voice as his brother tried to console Abby in the house. He'd be lying to himself, and to her if he wasn't affected by what this was doing to them. This wasn't him falling back into old habits despite what Niko had said, he wasn't running away again, he just needed time to think, and the only way he could do that was if he put space between them.

"Ready to go for a ride, Joe?" With his son settled, Luka walked around the car and climbed behind the wheel.

What had happened to the promises they had made to each other? The question was one of the last he had asked of Abby before he had walked out the door, and one which she had in turn thrown back at him. After all they had been through, after all the times she had run to her own mother or brother's side when they needed her. Who was she to condemn him for choosing to be at his father's side during what proved to be some of the final month's of his life? But, what if she was right? Was there guilt that was rightfully his to claim in all this? Then again, even if he accepted part of the blame as his, was it enough to have led her not just to begin drinking again, but to think that sleeping with Moretti would somehow make things better.

It was all too much for him to wrap his head around and perhaps that's what led him to drive without really having a set destination in mind. How often had he and Danijela done just that in the early days of their relationship? Time off had been such a luxury for him, and time alone for the young couple even more so before their move to Vukovar. How many times would they borrow a car from one of their parents, bundle Jasna up, pack enough food for the day, and set off just to be by themselves? As Joe fell asleep and he found himself hypnotized by the monotony of the highway, he wasn't surprised to find his thoughts returning to those days.

It wasn't until he caught sight of the sign announcing his approach to Vukovar that he realized just how much of a pull back to his past his thoughts had played on him. His first instinct was to immediately stop the car, to turn around before he even entered the City. He hadn't been back since the fall of the City, so why now? His eyes shot to Joe, and he found himself looking for similarities in the boy's sleeping face to the two children he had lost all those years ago. Was that it, was the threat of losing Abby and Joe so strong that it would bring him back here when nothing else had been able to before this?

There was no question of where he had to go now that he was here and while he couldn't quite bring himself to stop the car, he at least slowed as he passed first the hospital, and then the site where the apartment had once stood. There was no question of his stopping as he reached his final destination, and with the car parked, he reached over to free Joe from his carseat.

"You want to go for a walk, Joe? Let's go get some directions." He sat his son on the ground before taking his hand and starting toward the office. Seventeen years...it was hard to believe so many years had passed, but, just driving through the City he had seen the changes, he couldn't have expected things to standstill, it was a lifetime ago. Following the directions in his hand he led Joe between the rows of tombstones, so many lives cut short. Too many, as he neared those for his family he stopped to pick his son up, needing his closeness now, more then ever.

There were no fancy headstones here, no stone monuments with elaborate floral displays, just row after row of markers identifying too many who had died before their time. As he finally located his family he regretted not having thought to have at least stopped for flowers for them.

"Tata, cry?" It was only when Joe touched the wetness on his cheek that Luka realized he was doing just that. Instead of answering, he kissed his son before sitting him on the ground so he could approach the graves on his own.

Danijela Kovac...Beloved Wife and Mother 1968-1991
Jasna Kovac...Beloved Daughter 1986-1991
Marko Kovac...Beloved Son 1989-1991

Seventeen years since he had lost his first family, and now he stood the chance of losing another if he didn't find a way of coming to terms with what had happened. Sinking to his knees at the end of the graves he motioned Joe to him before pulling his son into his arms and closing his eyes. Something had drawn him back to this place, the answer had to be here, it had to be.

"Talk to me Danijela, tell me what to do."

Muse: Luka Kovac
Fandom: ER
Words: 1234

Teasers:

( Under here )

• 16:03 God my boss just sounded scarily like the b**** from hell. Wow. Hope they arent taking lessons off each other. #
• 19:52 Argh. Already hate this dating thing - so nervous! What if hes awful? #

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Teasers:

( Under here )